Remember in school when you could get out of a class by proving you already knew the material?
It was called "Testing Out".
I'm convinced that we don't use this concept enough in our everyday lives and I for one would like to see it implemented immediately.
Case in point:
If you travel as frequently as I do, you probably have the same aversion towards the modern-day, post 9/11 nightmare that is flying. There's the need to get there 2 hours early to
accommodate for complete moron
flyers combined with surly and slow check-in workers. There's the mental and physical
depantsing that is security. There's the cattle call, hurry up and wait boarding procedure. The sardine tin
accommodations. And of course, "The Speech".
Hey guess what? I KNOW that my nearest exit may be behind me. And
quel suprise, I know how to buckle a fucking
seatbelt. To be quite frank, I don't think the unlikely event of a water landing will have people thanking God that their seat cushion is also a floatation device. You know why? Because in the unlikely event that you're still somehow sucking in oxygen, treading water while the plane careens to the bottom of the depths, you're probably going to grab on to
anything floating including the fucking seat cushions, right? And I swear to God, if the oxygen masks fall out of the overhead compartment, I'm pretty sure I'll either figure it out or pass out, but either way, I'll still FREAK OUT, so why put that little gem and all the other
nihilistic nuggets in my head EVERY fucking time I fly?
Hmmmm? Thanks guys, wasn't feeling anxious at all until you pointed out all the horrible fates possible. Fabulous! Now, I'm tired, hot/cold,
smooshed and able to visualize my own demise. Bravo.
You may say: "Well, Professor
Snoutch, perhaps it's because someone on the plane may be enjoying their maiden voyage." Not likely!
I know the FAA/
TSA/
Gubment/Homeland Security or whoever knows enough about the passenger manifest to be able to tell relatively quickly if it's
someone's first flight on an airplane. If every passenger's history shows record of a previous flight, then we should be able to "Test Out" and remove at least one annoying component from the melange, right? It should become so rare that on the few
occasions that it does happen, it will be more of a novelty than a plodding, barely understandable, droning recitation. I know I've wrote about this before, so forgive me if I sound like a rambling, bitter,
Alzheimer's-ridden old man, but too bad. It bears repeating.
And don't even get me started on roller coasters. "Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times". No shit? When is that not true of ANY vehicle, much less one that goes
upsidefuckingdown? I mean besides when a convertible is a Drag Queen's chariot in a Gay Pride Parade? I tell you what, if
someone's so stupid that they don't know they should keep their limbs out of the way of the steel beams or they'll get ripped off, then they shouldn't be on the damn thing. People put their hands up anyway at the top of a big hill on a roller coaster, so why bother saying don't? It's in the damn commercials for the theme parks!
Freakin'
hypocrites. TEST OUT.
Can anybody else think of other things we should never have to listen to again? I think I'll start "
Testout.org" and start lobbying Washington to stop this endless audio and visual torture. Who's with me?
*end rant*
In other, way less bitchy news, here's a clip of my Brother throwing down. Check it out, it's amazing. Totally
SFW, so no worries. There is audio though, so if that's an issue, turn down your speakers first.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.showvids&friendID=76655303&n=76655303&MyToken=33dcPeace, love and joy.
Prof.